Can You Scream? Very Funny!

This is an hilarious blog from Grace's amazing mum - whom I thank very much!

The curious case of the missing sellotape!

I have this little girl called Grace, a beautiful, unique, one of a kind 4 year old. Bright, smart, and very amusing, all who know me say she's such a funny little girl, and I beam with pride! “Mum what's this?” She once asked, showing me her finger with a sticker stuck to the end. “Its a sticker baby, you know that” Little did I know this was one of her witty games, and I was left there feeling a little silly, when she responded sharply with “no! Its my finger silly!” and proudly skipped off. Ohh the joys of kids hey, and thus, this brings me to the story of the missing sellotape..... 

Now anyone with a young child should know, if you lose a random object, should it be a remote control, a mobile phone or even a hairbrush, your first port of call should always be your child's toy box, or bag. Kids seem to be attracted to these things like magnets. Something I forgot.


It was an ordinary Monday night, I put my daughter to bed at seven thirty and looked forward to relaxing and watching tv. Oh I know, I could even paint my nails! They were looking a bit dull and boring, I'd not done them for a while so why not. Searching through a little vanity bag I keep my nail stuff in, I decided a French manicure would do the job. White tips and then a nice pale pink. Perfect. I got the varnish out, placed them on the side table by the sofa, and went to get the sellotape, which I use to keep the white tips nice and straight when I paint them on, with no mess. This simple task turned into a painful, infuriating one and a half hour search.

And, I searched everywhere, I looked in drawers, I double checked, then triple checked. I looked through the food bags IN the drawers that my daughter had filled with random crap. Under the sofa, behind the tv, in cupboards, on top and inside my wardrobe, in my daughters room. I even asked her numerous times as she lay watching a film “have you seen my sellotape?...are you sure you haven't? Have you hidden it?” She told me that no, she had not seen it, and would I stop been noisy while she was in bed. I don't know about anyone else, but when I need something, know I have it, but simply can't find it, I get angry. I was stomping about, muttering obscenities to myself, growling, slamming things, and doing other stuff that's the typical behaviour of a person who clearly has a temper! I wonder if this is where my girl gets hers from?? Nahhhh. This wasn't even about the nails anymore, I just wanted to know where the sodding tape was! I even took to twitter, tweeting 'if I were a roll of sellotape, where would I be?!' There was a rather naughty word in there which I won't include though, but for arguments sake let's just say, what starts with F and ends in uck, and no, it's not fire truck! I had a few suggestions, but I had already checked these places numerous times. Then, breakthrough!!

I found some! It wasn't the tape I originally set out for, this was double sided sticky tape I forgot I even had, but nonetheless still tape, so I accepted this as a compromise. I could do my nails now right? They would look perfect yes??....NO! It was a massive fail, little bits of sticky glue stuck to my nails when I took it off, and it took some of the white off too. It was getting late, I lost interest, gave up and went to bed defeated and annoyed.

Now fast forward a week. Early morning and I'm sitting on the sofa with my daughter. She wants to play doctors! So off she goes to fetch her doctors bag, which inside she keeps various instruments such as a bandage, thermometer, stethoscope, toy ones of course, it's also full of random baby stuff she uses for her dolls...you know, rattles, bottles etc. you get the idea. First she bandages my hand, I'm not sure what's wrong with it but hey, I'm not the professional here, she is. Then “Right mummy, doctor Grace will listen to your heart now” which I'm pleased to say is fine and normal. Next on my health screening, “Can you scream for me now please” errrm okay, strange request I think, looking a little bewildered, but like I said I'm not the professional, she is. So I do. I let out a small scream. Satisfied I've done a good enough job as she seems to be grinning at me, I stop. And when I do, she proudly reaches into her doctors bag, pulls out THAT roll of MY SELLOTAPE, bites off a strip, sticks it, right over my mouth, and asks if I'm able to scream now.

You have got to be kidding me right?!.....

Oh! I'm Going To Jamaica!

So many things make me laugh, and this was probably the funniest I have read for many a month. Apparently the Jamaican men aren't getting enough, you know?  I know this news is old (2009) but it really tickled my funny bone.

They are doing what is, I think, misnamed as an "erotic dance" - called "daggering".  From this - and really, it is just good old dry humping (snigger) - there has been a spate of......wait for it...........fractured penises.  Now why that should make me fold up laughing I really have no idea, except for the mental image I get of some guy with a splint on his weenie. Then again, maybe he only needed a Bandaid...

The silly fools do this "daggering" (talk about blow your own trumpet) on the dance floor, of all places, and have taken it into the bedroom, with less than desirable consequences.  If the guy is getting a fracture, what in hell is going on with the women?  No mention of them, typical.

This ridiculous 'dance' is becoming so popular that the Jamaican government have now stepped in, (laugher offstage) to ban songs and videos with blatantly sexual content.

The Jamaican Broadcasting Commission enforced the ban in February 2009.

I guess they are athletic, if nothing else!

The quotes that made me totally lose it?

The community is divided over the dance, with singers up in arms over the ban, saying it stifles their right to free speech, but others welcome the ban.

“Daggering is a dance that makes you unleash the beast! If you ain’t know what I mean think about every sex position and put it in a dance,” commenter Driva said of the dance.

Joining In Silent Sunday (First Time)

I Googled Christmas Wreaths?

||Artificial insemination for goat class||: ||artificial streaks ...

creativenergy.com.au/leroy-artificial-vaginas/
bulk wholesale artificial christmas wreaths. artificial satellites in indian express. artificial poppies for sale nz. artificial pumpkin vine ...

Dear Google, or should that be Goggle?

Thank you for your enlightening information!  I am sure getting an education  in the ways of the world around me.

It seems, however, that your little search men got all twizzled up with their satellite, as the search returned the most amaaaaaaaaazing results.  In fact, I should just check out some of the sites to see what in hell the little men found for me.  For example, what, oh what is a "leroy-artificial-vagina"?   I daren't even begin to ponder this one.  

And what a crackup, who would want "artificial satellites in Indian express"?  Express what? Total hilarity here, just saying.

The most astonishing result of all, one which for the life of me I can't see having the slightest bearing on artificial wreaths, was the return of "artificial insemination for goat class".   Goat class of what?  Class of '11 maybe?  Low class of goat?  The poor mind is overheating and the jaw is aching from the spontaneous laughter.

Just as a last query, why would anyone want an artificial pumpkin vine?

Kind regards,
Your favourite searcher,  Carol
p.s. thanks for all the laughter I have.

Time Again for the Annual 'Stella Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for last year  --  2010:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *
 
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps..

Scratch some more...



* FIFTH PLACE * 

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.

Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. 


We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE * 

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.

The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. 

Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!  Drum roll .....

* FIRST PLACE * 

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.

On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?  $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.

Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Just a bit of fun!

Giving The Gift

Why do I do it?  I do it every single time, whether it is birthday, Easter, Christmas or  bloody bandicoot day.  It takes me forever to think of just the perfect gift, the exact thing that says "I love you" and shows how much I care.  Whether it is for the tiniest family member, or the old fart himself.   And then what happens?

I give the rotten thing early.  It just so happens that I did it again this afternoon.  The old fella goes off to golf with a social golfing club every fortnight or so. They visit a different course each time they play, and tomorrow they are playing at a course which he always has trouble finding.  No matter how many times he has been there, he invariably gets lost.  He was trying desperately to find the route on the map, and couldn't. 

To be fair, he does have cataracts which interfere with his close vision.  So I looked, and discovered the map he is using is from 2008.  Now this city never stops growing, so I found the newest map book we have - hahaha 2009.   What had I bought him for Christmas?  Yes, a 2011 map book.  So out it came, and I worked out a route for him. 

THEN he said he was hoping his (out of date) GPS would work tomorrow.   Shoulders drooping, and exceedingly pissed off with myself, I went and got his "special gift" - a new GPS system.  My fury at myself knows no bounds!   The trouble is, I do worry so much because his concentration is really poor and if he has to try to check his whereabouts he may well drive off the road or under a truck.

So it's back to the drawing board for me.  Himself?  He is gleefully charging up his new GPS, and has the new map and my written instructions on the passenger seat of the car.  What do you want to bet he gets lost?  Laughter here, I would put mucho money on it!

Now what do I do for him for Christmas?  A pudding? Sometimes I wonder about me, I truly do.  Still, on a positive note - I don't have to wrap it now!

Wrapping Aversion Syndrome!

I suffer from a syndrome that I have had to endure for many years, and am wondering if there are others out there in the small world who have the same disease?
It may not be an official complaint, but I have named it Wrapping Aversion Syndrome.  It is so bad that one year I was tempted to just wrap Christmas presents in old tea towels and fasten them with safety pins.  Who knows?  It may have started a new trend- remember when brown paper  with potato cut stencils was all the rage?  Brown paper sure, but stuff the potato part.  Actually, stuffed potatoes is not a bad idea !

Every 12 months that dreaded, dreadful season arrives with monotonous regularity - the Christmas present wrapping season.  Never mind the ides of March, beware the ordeals of December!  Maybe I am a closet anarchist or something, but part of my aversion to the task of wrapping is my ability to do things ass-backward.  If the door says PULL, I push the bloody thing.  I try to open plastic bags at the wrong end.  Not fun when you put your applies in and they all dive straight to the ground ...  Same thing applies to sticky tape (adhesive tape for those who speak another language, wink).

I pull the tape from the roll and instantly get it wrapped around at least one finger, doubled in the middle and stuck the way it NEVER sticks to paper. Peel it off, start again.  End up with quite an attractive design stuck to the table - little balls of tape resembling a mini Leaning Tower of Pisa.   What? Oh, the dispenser?  Same, same, same,  I gotta tell you there is no difference using a dispenser.  Except that now the tape comes off from on the roll itself, and do you think I can find the cut end?  Not on your bloody life can I.   Hurl that roll out. 

 
Meanwhile, the present has become unwrapped, so that the paper has drifted to the floor, where the dog has pounced and is happily shredding it into confetti. Start again.  My back aches from bending, even though I am sitting through most of it.  Start another roll of tape.  THIS time I have a clue, which is unusual for me, as I am normal quite clueless.  I pull off a piece of tape, very very gently.  Tear it across the little metal teeth on the dispenser.  Very carefully.  Take said piece of tape and stick one end to the side of dispenser - yes! 

Checking out the re-wrapped gift I calculate (clever of me!) how many pieces of tape it will require.  Pull said number of pieces off and stick to side of dispenser.   Grab present, go to take first piece of tape and stick - aaaaaaaaagh.  Bloody thing has wrapped around my finger.

After much repetition I finally manage to get the tape onto the paper.  Standing back to admire my creation, I realise I have stuck the tape in the wrong place, and have gaps, and ruckles where they shouldn't be.  Oh shit.  Carefully, carefully peel the tape off..........riiiiiiiiip!  I could scream, I could cry, I could rant. Back to the drawing board.

 
 I sit quietly for a moment, seething and sweating. I have a plan. Now this is really really sneaky -  I tiptoe to the door and yell "Katie?  Are you doing anything for a minute?".............

Moses Died Before He Got to Canada - Hilarious

Hilarious Exam Answers

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”


3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.


6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name


7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.


8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”


11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.


12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.


13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

What is Artificial Insemination? Hilarious

Hilarious exam answers ......

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

The PAL Diet

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Pal at Woolworths, and was in line at the checkout.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kilos before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned?  I told her no.

It was because I had been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he was laughing so hard, then staggered out the door.
Stupid lady ...  why else would I buy dog food?

Retarded Grandparents - Funny!

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a tiny box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more.

They go to a building called a wrecked centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercise there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out.  They go cruising in their golf carts.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And they eat the same thing every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.  The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

Apple Announce New Computer Chip

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men starting at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

The Joys of Wearing Glasses

That magic moment when you put them down and then can't see to find them

The amazing feeling of being lost in a cloud when the iron steams up your glasses and you can't see a thing

The wonderful heart starter of leaning forward and hearing your lenses crash onto the floor

That wonderful swoop in your stomach when you have new glasses and step off the kerb ...

The attractive bump each side of the bridge of your nose, why, it even makes you look like a film star..

The attractive dents behind your ears from the legs, and the cute little red patches either side of your bumpy hooter

The thrill of going to look through a window and bashing your face on the glass... oh! it was closer than you thought!

Then there is the surprise you get when you go to the hairdressers and can't see what they are doing - until they have finished and you put your glasses on again. hmm

Oh, not to forget the zip you get when you come out of the air conditioning into the humid air and your glasses fog up - when you are right in the middle of the pedestrian crossing...

The heart in mouth surge you get when you accidentally sit on them

The tropical holiday feeling you get when they slide off your face because you are sweating like a navvy....
Oh the joy of wearing glasses!

Some Random Guy's Penis Just Doesn't Thrill Me

Never have I been thought of as being a prude, the opposite in fact - and I have always had a horribly dirty mind!  Not a lot about sex worries me or shocks me, probably because there is nothing new under the sun! 
What happened last night changed my views about myself, and now I am floundering a bit - all because of nude photos of some random men and their supposedly wonderful penises.  Now I really don't know what I think..

Now I blame Google for this entirely, and there is no way they are getting out of this one.  Searching on Google Images for pictures for my hair blog, I entered the search term "hairy legs".   Fine, there should be no problem with that, should there?  How wrong can you be?  Usually images come up on a search that have zero to do with what you are looking for, but it is easy to just skim past them and ignore.  Not so the hairy legs search.

The first few images were fine, men with hairy legs - nope, reject -  couple of women with hairy legs - reject because you can't really see the legs properly.  A few mega stars with hairy legs, nope. Man with hairy legs and his bag of fruit hanging down. EH? Wellll, ok I can see his hairy legs, but nope.  The photo actually made me feel ill.   I have no idea why - and I know that now Google is going to be swamped with women searching for "hairy legs", ha!   I decided the guy was a total exhibitionist and really not that nice looking anyway.   So on I went looking for my photos.

My God!  Another one?  Well Google, you have excelled yourselves this time - what on earth are these photos doing here amongst the hairy legs?  I don't get it at all.  The second photo merited a second look as well, because I am certain this bloke is either deformed or had a penis extension - like the one I am being offered by email every second day.  Now I'd like to see that!    This one is naked man with his brains in hand, about to orgasm any second. Back to the photo, take another look.  Reel back in total shock.  What in the hell has his hairy ass got to do with hairy legs?  And honestly?  He was kind of yuk looking too.  Another sick feeling.........

Forge ahead girl, get the photos, don't be sidetracked o.k.?    Forging ahead I came across a THIRD photo of a nude man with his untidy bits going dingle dangle, and there wasn't a lot there either.   I guess he has a nice smile though.  By this time I am bewildered, worried and not a little frightened, you know?  It is like I am being stalked by a pornographer, and it is definitely not good for my aging heart.

So, still no decent photo of a woman with hairy legs,  but yet another naked, penis flapping pic of a guy who looked as though his biggest fan was himself...... hmm.   Keep scrolling Carol, don't let it bother you.  Down another few inches (pardon the pun) and what do I find?  More of the same!

One guy on there, well I am sure he too had one of those extension things.  Babe, I tell you that if I had ever seen some of these men coming for me with those bits out in front I would have either laughed myself silly, or run for the hills.   Still haven't got a photo for my blog either.  Trouble is, it is starting to get really boring, ooops, unintended pun there.

I decided to go and search again today and am so maaad - the one decent looking bloke out of the whole lot doesn't appear on my new search.  The upshot of all this was that I decided to abandon a pic of hairy legs on the blog, and just go peeking around on some porno sites for some naked men! I'm kidding, honestly.  I just went and had a fruit yoghurt instead!
And no, there are NO pictures of the men on here, for obvious reasons - you don't want to frighten the chickens, do you? HA!

You Hairy Git!

I think Saphire is to blame for this blog!  One of those random thoughts that we usually let fly out of the other ear - why on earth do we have hair?  I mean, what in hell is the point of hair after all?  Yeah, ok you need hair if you live in a cold country - but I guess about half the population of the world lives in a hot climate anyway, so why haven't we evolved to the point where we don't grow hair?

We seem to be obsessed with the hairy stuff - just think about the baby who is born with lots of hair, and how excited and happy everyone is about the little tyke and his/her baby fluff!  No, BABY fluff, not bum fluff!  If baby is bald as the proverbial egg everyone waits impatiently for that hair to grow, and wonders what colour it will be,  if it will be straight or curly,  coarse or fine, thick or thin.   We cannot bear to take our kids for their first haircut! 


When we are growing and developing we can't wait for the body hair - chest hair, pubic hair, underarm hair, even rotten leg hair (see?  there I go with the leg hair).  Why have hairs on your legs when all we want to do in our culture is shave the flaming stuff off, or even worse, wax it off?  oww!  Not to even THINK about underarm hair. We seem to think we have struck the pot at the end of the rainbow when we finally grow body hair - and then try to come up with about a hundred ways to rid ourselves of it!  I don't even want to consider bikini waxing and the like, my eyes water and cross!  Eyebrows?  We have to wax, tweeze, or have some sadistic woman yank it out with sewing threads while we shriek and moan.

And men?  They generally shave their faces, and often have their chest and back waxed (it is the fashion!), which must be excruciating to say the least.  I have only tried waxing once, at home, and didn't take off one single hair.  I had wax strips everywhere but in the right place, even stuck to my ear - and when i did pull a strip off I almost left the planet in shock!  Guys, I don't know how you can do it.  I was about to say 'hats off to you' but thought better of it - after all, who knows what's under the hat?  If the facial hair isn't shaved guys can grow amazing beards and moustaches. 

Think of the awful awful things that can live in hair as well - we have lice (yuk), fleas (yep, I kid you not), crabs (as in pubic hair) - and that's just a start!  The cure is often worse than the bug as well!  There is cradlecap, and dandruff and plain old dry scalp, as well as things like sebaceous cysts and dermatitis.

• Dermatitis
• Dandruff
• Pruritus
• Pityriasis
• Seborrhea
• Folliculitis
• Psoriasis
• Lichen simplex

It really doesn't sound like a song, does it?  What do people do with the hair on top of their head?  We torture it, and ourselves!  It is cut, and shaved, and razored, and dyed, spiked, gelled, teased (well maybe not so much nowadays), permanently curled or straightened, braided, dreadlocked, bleached and goodness knows how many other things.   Somehow head hair seems to remain on top of the fashion stakes, and at the head of the attraction stakes throughout history.  All puns intended, by the way!  Many men shave their heads as well - and isn't it strange how sexy most of them look with no hair?

What happens when we age, as far as hair is concerned?  It all goes ass backward - even women find their hair thinning, and some go bald.  The leg hair, the pubic and the underarm hair tend to disappear, BUT the stupid facial hair grows longer and often darker, to the point where women can grow a mustache.  What do we do with it?  We shave it, wax it, tweeze it, bleach it...........  seems we could sure do without it!

I am no good at mathematics, but would surely love to know how much each of us, both men and women, will spend throughout a lifetime on just getting keeping hair clean, fashionable or under control!

And just for fun?  Here are some hairy mary from the dairy type pics, which I hope you enjoy!