Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Moses Died Before He Got to Canada - Hilarious

Hilarious Exam Answers

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

What is Artificial Insemination? Hilarious

Hilarious exam answers ......

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

The PAL Diet

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Pal at Woolworths, and was in line at the checkout.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kilos before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned?  I told her no.

It was because I had been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he was laughing so hard, then staggered out the door.
Stupid lady ...  why else would I buy dog food?

Retarded Grandparents - Funny!

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.
Now they live in a tiny box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more.
They go to a building called a wrecked centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercise there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out.  They go cruising in their golf carts.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.  The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


Apple Announce New Computer Chip

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men starting at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Manufacturers Take Note - Rant Alert

Shopping for groceries a few days ago I noticed that Coca Cola have come up with a new gimmick, aimed specifically at kids - bottles of Coke with children's names on them.  Now come on Coke, you can't tell me you are that desperate for sales that you have to specifically target kids!  This is the lowest thing I have seen since those nefarious Alcopop things came out.   As if there isn't enough rubbish consumed by our offspring as it is.  Hey, Coke?  You wanna pay for our dentist's bills?  Huh?   I can actually see someone taking you lot to court in the future...

Rant Two is about the manufacturers, and they are numerous, who have introduced the most sneaky, underhanded, low price rises by reducing the size or weight of their product.  I have kept my big mouth shut about this for too long.  To me this practice stinks to high heaven and back again.  So what? I hear you say - what does 25grams less matter in the overall scheme of things?  It matters a great deal, you do the math - oh, I forgot, you already did the math didn't you?  And you have now ripped the consumers off for millions.   One biscuit less in a packet?  And the price stays the same until a month later, when it is increased?  hmmm   You make me fume! 

Rant Three is directed at the designers of those infuriating sealed covers which are found on a variety of foods.  My most UNfavourite is the Leggos tomato puree.  I DEFY YOU to "pull here" and get the damned cover unstuck and peel it off.  It just wont peel off, not once.  There is nobody in our family who can get the stupid thing to unstick.  We end up using a knife.   Take a hint from the makers of the yoghurt pots, they know how to do it. 

Rant Four?  Well gee I could go on and on but this one is my favourite rant.  Dear makers of Mentos.  Why, oh why do you have a tube of 'dragees'  (sounds like some thug or other) that opens at BOTH ENDS?  If you squash a sweet out from the top of the tube, the bottom pops open and you lose the whole lot on the ground.  AAAAGH.   Sort it out, you twits.