And when I get irritable, so does my bowel. And the rest of me to boot. There is also pain, which is constant and debilitating to say the least. Some days it is a dull roar, other days it is so bad I hardly know what to do with myself, and the drugs I have don't help. So I get irritable.
Today the pain was extreme, feels like I need a back-ectomy or something. I am coming back as a jellyfish or an amoeba, and that way I won't need to ever experience backache. Knowing my luck, if I return as a damned jellyfish I will have tentacle ache instead. Do jellyfish get tentacle ache? Betcha I would.
One of the biggest bitches I have is that the brain is only in the early 20's, even though with the pain and all the memory is shit. But the body is ancient and wizened. The biggest blow my esteem has taken just lately is from the results of the CT scan to my abdomen...there are words on there that if you used them I would wash your mouth out with soap. And words that have approximately 22 syllables. Totally unpronounceable. And amongst the scientific mumbo are the words "moderate degeneration of the left hip", and also the fact that the lowest disc space in my spine is now almost non-existent.
For ages I have been joking and saying I think I need a new hip. Now? Mind over matter? I dunno, but since I found out that it actually IS my hip the pain has been three times as bad. Or is it that I notice it more? So frustrating, not to be able to do all your shopping in one hit, for example, but to have to go back day after day because you can only walk for an hour or so before being totally unable to take another step.
Today it was my back, the pain not so much in the hip. To ensure that it got worse over the course of the day, I decided I would do some weeding and what-not. Maximum time 10 minutes, then 15 minutes rest. Do this for one hour, maximum 1.5 hours! Gone are the days when I could happily spend all day working hard in the garden! Piss off, pain.
Add pain to pain and pain to irritability, and the whole lot comes booming down as molto depression. That bit is, I think, the source of the tiredness. Fighting off the depression is sure to suck every bit of energy and strength out of anyone. You guys know I have coping mechanisms - kick out the negative thoughts, sing loudly and all the rest. Sometimes it is more difficult than others!
How some ever, we shall overcome, one way or another. Getting out of the house into the fresh air is a good depression killer, except when you have two monster dogs bugging the hell out of you. Somehow they know when I am down in the dumps and they eagerly make it worse by trying to stick more closely than usual.
Need a dog whisperer to tell them to just be nice poochies and back off a bit huh? I need a little dog-free space, not muzzles down holes and pees on the lilies I am uprooting! No lolling on my feet please, it hurts my ingrown toenails! In other words? Bugger off dogs, I am trying to be depressed here!
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