Sunday, November 27, 2011

She's Ready, But I'm Not.

I would like to thank Calley for this beautiful blog.

by Calley Bingham on Tuesday, November 22, 2011

So, I took Evie to her settling session at Nursery today, I walked into the room with her, and well, off she went. No goodbye, not a care in the world. Most of the other children stood next to their mums, taking their time to take their coats off, kissing them and saying goodbye, others stood crying - pretty much begging their parents not to leave them. 'You have a very confident bright little girl, Calley' - they thought she was going to be 4 in May, rather than 3... And I know it probably sounds strange to many of you, but while the other children sobbed into their mums legs, I felt a little bit of jealousy come over me, don't get me wrong, it would break my heart to see her sad - and probably make it harder, but it made me sad that she could go through such a 'big' transition, with not a grimace, at all. She's always been very forward, I guess that is just the way she is. 

I sat down this afternoon, and wondered if we'd have been closer, if I'd tried harder, spent more time with her, not got postnatal depression - would it have made a difference? Understand, we're closer than ever recently, I've taken her out with me, just for long walks all day, played with her, cooked with her, drawn with her, taken her to the swings and pushed her until my arms nearly fell off, simply things, like reading stories or just having chats - all I can do, and she'd rather go to me, than her daddy recently- which has filled me with pride, and happiness - the depression I was thrown into, by having Evlynn, has been made better, by bonding with her, confusing, right?

And suddenly, I walk into this room, and the clingy little girl I've created the last few weeks vanishes, and I find myself wanting to cling onto her, wanting to tell her to stop growing, and just be my baby forever - wishing I could rewind the time, and spend the last 2 1/2 years I've been blessed with being so close to her. I can't get that time back, and for a mother, its heartbreaking.
So to get to my point, I suppose all I am trying to say, is that I never realised just how much it would affect me, without it 'really' affect her.. I know at some point, all parents get to these points, we have to watch them go to Nursery, then big school (wow I know I'm going to be sobbing at the gate), then even BIGGER school - her baby teeth will fall out, her beautiful, now long fine baby hair will thicken and grow and her baby face will disappear, she'll go to college, and maybe even university - I will be there waiting to hear about her first job interview, hold her when she gets her heartbroken by a boy for the first time, pull her hair back while she throws up and tells me she is never drinking again because she's drunk so much, for the first time.. Without getting ahead of myself, or too emotional again - I made a pledge to myself, that everyday, I will do at least one thing with her, on our own - I will enjoy every day that she is still so small, treasure every second and take far too many pictures, even if they're awful and I look rubbish, as long as there is a smile on our faces in those photos, I know there will be one on them when we look back at them, too. 

I love my daughter more than I thought I ever could, and it does crush me when I look back, and it scares me when I look forward - but when I look at the here, and the now - I can smile, because she loves me, more than anything in the world.

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