Everyone's Gran: The Judgment - A Calm Discussion!

I know that at one stage or another we have all been guilty of judging someone - but there are some folk who seem to do nothing else. To those people I want to say - remember that you are showing who and what you are every time you leap in to judge someone else. Just food for thought :

O.K. someone is judging you - maybe on Facebook, maybe from within your family or friends. It could even be that you feel an outsider is judging you. And inevitably their verdict is guilty. I honestly don't know how people who are accused of a crime and tried by a Jury ever manage to get acquitted! In our ordinary daily lives we mostly seem to be questioned and critised about our choices, our lifestyle and worst of all - on our style of parenting. The latter is the hardest one to accept, and it is one of the most hurtful things anyone can do - judge you as a parent, and then pronounce their verdict. It always seems to be "guilty", why is this?

Maybe when I was bringing up my daughter it was simpler, as the only person who ever criticised me was my mother. And as she only saw me for a few months out of about 20 years her criticisms were easy to shrug off. She felt I was too strict! In other ways it was extremely difficult, as I was on my own for most of the time, and when things went wrong or my little girl was ill there was no circle of supportive friends and relatives for me to turn to.

In these amazing days of instant communication, someone can be thinking of you one minute and telling you their thoughts in the next. Sometimes this is wonderful as we can reach for help and there is someone "out there" who will respond, and wrap you in their arms. BUT, big but - very often instant communication is used in an extremely destructive, hurtful, vicious and evil manner.

It is difficult to work out what motivates people to act in this manner, perhaps it is because of a complex mix of emotions and feelings? It often appears that someone will make a disparaging comment purely to bring attention to themselves, and to provoke a reaction from others. This is A TROLL - I wonder if they realise that? We would be far better off to quit feeding them, just treat their comment as though it didn't exist. Delete it. Ignore them. Trolls can't bear to be ignored.

Sometimes, perhaps, people mean well even though what they say in judgment of another is, in reality, wide of the mark. They don't know enough of the circumstances to jump in and instantly make negative judgment. At other times, it appears that the one doing the judging is extremely rigid and/or narrow in their outlook. It seems to me that these are often quite young people, who have an immature outlook on life - where everything is either black or white. In reality life is many shades of grey, and even the truth has many shades to it. As we mature and gain life experience, as well as move out of our little circle of comfort, we (hopefully) realise that we cannot apply impossibly rigid rules to people's lives. Circumstances always influence people's actions and decisions, and I for one, quite pity those who are unable to be flexible enough to consider someone else's circumstances.


"Grey Sat Wheel"

A wonderful example of this type of rigid thinking is in the following : A woman discovered she is pregnant and, because of her circumstances, simply cannot have another child. She may be alone, with several children already. She may be struggling financially, and another baby would just break them. There are any number of reasons why she is now unwilling and unable to bring another child into the world. This unfortunate woman reached out for help, asking her peers what she could do. In her total distress she couldn't see which way to turn. Her peers responded by pointing out that she has three options only - have the child, adopt the child out or have an abortion. They advised her to first talk with her doctor. They also reassured her that they would stand with her, no matter what decision she makes. These were the women with compassion and maturity, with life experience and empathy.

Except for one - who used the cry for help as a platform from which to expound on her rigid views about abortion. She judged the woman who asked for help. She delivered her pronouncements that abortion is wrong. She argued with other women who were trying to help. And eventually she disappeared. Unfortunately, she still won't know why she angered people. Even though she was told - she won't understand that this was not about her, nor was it about her rigid views. And her views in this case were not helpful, they were distressing and destructive, more likely to make the woman more distressed instead of comforting her. Perhaps this person was well-meaning, but when someone says they simply cannot bring another child into the world it is cruel beyond words to remark that she should go through the pregnancy, deliver the baby and put it up for adoption. It makes me wonder whether, if the shoe was on the other foot, this person could do that herself? I am guessing it was really easy for her to say "give up your baby", but it would be frightful to have to actually do this.

Unfortunately, this level of immaturity and narrowness seems to show up constantly, and I find it very sad - I pity these young people. I think that as they grow older and look back on their attitudes, and the things they said in their youthful arrogance, they will feel ashamed of the way they once viewed the world. At least, I hope and pray they do. Perhaps then they will also believe, as most of us do, that we women, in particular, should all pull together, not tear at each other and try to hurt and distress each other. After all, we are supposed to be the nurturers.

As it is, life is difficult enough, and parenting such a huge undertaking that the very last thing any of us needs is someone watching over our shoulder every minute of the day, ready to pounce on the slightest thing they perceive as different. And therefore wrong. Just remember, when you judge others you are really leading with your chin - there is always someone else who is willing to defend the one being judged. And you are likely to have bitten off more than you can chew.......