This is a question that has plagued me since I was young and stupid, well - more stupid than I perhaps am now. Why do young, and some not so young women 'fall' for the misnamed 'bad boys'? Is it that we are so arrogant we believe that we are the only person in the world who can change his ways, and turn him from a lout into a decent human being? Is it the tenderness of the female heart, when she sees an underdog and by her very nature must try to defend and protect this dog?
I guess there are multiple answers to this question, as many as there are women really. It's just that through the years there have been numerous times when I have seen decent, sweet, loving women get trampled underfoot when they took on more than they bargained for. It is really, in the end, about "who changes whom".
There are guys who revel in the label "bad boy" and believe it gives them a certain mystique and attraction to the opposite sex. Some of these are just pathetic creatures who are not even real - everything they say and do is an act, their very existence is a facade. These guys are truly pathetic, there is no substance to them whatsoever. Somehow most women see right through this sham, and avoid these fellas like the plague. Which is all to the good.
On t'other hand there is the genuine bad man. What in hell attracts women to this creature is beyond all knowledge. These are the guys who are either up front about the fact that they are emotional cripples, or they are cleverly disguised as real people.
The up-front nasty character we all know. He is the one who hates everything and everyone in his life. He is cruel, callous, cold-hearted and cocky. Notice the words all start with 'c'? This is the type of creep who starts young, and delights in hurting people and animals of all sorts. He is the sweet mummy's boy who can do no wrong in her eyes (probably because she is terrified of crossing him). He will slap, kick, pinch, punch and generally bully his siblings, especially girls. He will defy anyone to catch him at it, he is very sly. And if you do catch him at it? It was the other kid's fault eh? This lovely specimen is the one who will feel a savage joy in hurting his sibling's little pets, because by extension he hurts his siblings. His world is pain and suffering for everyone around him.
He is loudmouthed, brash, and in-your-face. If he can make someone cringe with embarrassment by making foul comments about or to them, he is in his glory. 'Cause hey! everyone is looking at him! He takes great delight in either destroying other people's property, or stealing it. He affects not to care about anything or anyone. Whether he does or not we will never know I guess - but he does care about himself. He is a bully. A coward, a liar, a thief, a wife- or girlfriend-beater.
He is often a drunk, a drug addict or similar. I find it fascinating that this guy needs to control every element of his life by exerting some sort of fear pressure on others - and yet in himself he is totally out of control. He can't even control his own impulses - see a garbage bin? kick it over! Though I thought about this for a long time (maybe even 10 seconds) I can't recall a male like this ever becoming a standup guy. I guess some of them do. Some of them even have their own motorcycle clubs.
The sneaky one is the most dangerous of the lot, because he is the sociopath. Again these guys are about control. They are probably more likely to use mental torture rather than physical torture on their women. The only real difference between this type of creep and the brash guy is that this one gives the world the impression that he is a really nice guy. He probably won't have a tattoo, and won't kick the bin over. But he will control every aspect of his wife or girlfriend's life. He will use manipulation, lies, emotional blackmail, you name it - and he will work and work on her in order to keep her "under the thumb". This is the guy who will even try to control what his woman thinks. He is the one who will say "Meet me at the coffee shop at 11" and when she turns up early (never be late girl!) he will go into a tirade about how she was supposed to meet him at 10, and how she can't be trusted to get the simplest thing right, how stupid she is etc. He will undermine her in every way possible, mentally and emotionally, until she becomes an empty sac, and will doubt everything she thinks and feels.
Are you with me so far? Who is being changed throughout this? Not the guys huh? The girls, every time. Pondering on this I can only conclude that it is because - again - of a woman's basic nature and instincts. Oh yeah, of course some of it is plain flatout fear of the man, I'll give you that point. But really, don't you think that in these situations women are their own worst enemies? We are the ones who are born with a huge guilt button. We are the ones who are - sadly - taught to be pleasers. We are the nurturers, the life-givers. We take broken things and fix them. Our own intellect tells us that these males are not worth our spit, and yet we still fall over ourselves trying to mend them, heal them, nurture them. Why? Hello? Honey if you knew he was like this why did you take up with him? Why stay? If your feelings of self-worth are so terribly low then would you do one thing for me? Get yourself some help. Get counselling of some sort. Because you are worth at least a thousand times what these creatures are worth. They are vampires, they feed on your misery and pain. Don't stay, get out! And fast - as fast as you can run. And there is always somewhere to run, truly. I ran, and I have never looked back.
And just to make you think, many years ago my daughter said to me about a particular boy, that "everybody is against him". My reply was "Ask yourself why".
2 comments:
Couldn't have put it better myself.
Dam well said.
Thanks Nel xxx
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