The greatest difficulty facing me is how to rein in the anger, to turn it around or turn it off. Look, I understand why it has me in its grip, but that isn't helping me in the slightest. It all started quite a while back when I became convinced that my husband was in the early stages of Alzheimers. At that point I began an even stronger campaign to get him to think, and to use his brain instead of just vegetating in front of the television. The latest crosswords were bought in magazine form, and I introduced him to Sudoku. Believe me, he got such a shock because he blithely dismissed Sudoku (he is/was brilliant at maths), but when he tried to do a game he became amazingly unstuck.

It is unbelievably difficult to accept that the person you have known for 30+ years has changed to such a degree. So hard to accept that this isn't the man I married. I pushed and pushed to get him to think, to even take on some of the responsibility for paying bills and managing the money etc. He wasn't interested and would infuriate me by acting as though he was a feeble old man. Yeah, yeah, I know he is 76 but he has never been feeble and never acted like an old man until now. At the same time he will come across all "macho" about things, and say totally stupid things about, for example, Sid Vicious. He said he "should go around there" and that if he did Sid Vicious "would never know what hit him". God, it just makes me shake my head. This is the man that now weighs only 50 kilos (or thereabouts) which is not quite 8 stone, or 110 pounds. I doubt whether he could take on a bandicoot and win

His downhill slide, which is accelerating, and his severe deafness means that we don't communicate properly any more. And whatever we do talk about he forgets faster than you can snap your fingers. It makes him uncertain and I am sure he is afraid but won't admit it. It also makes us both very lonely, even though we live together still. All of this makes me rage inside as well, because I firmly believe that most of his mental problems were so very preventable. If you use it, you don't lose it.........


This is my current battle. To accept the things I cannot change. Gracefully or not. To move forward instead of anchoring myself in the puddle of my own self-indulgence. I can see it being one of the biggest battles of my life.
2 comments:
when anger gets too much, retreat to calmly to your bedroom then pound the hell out of your pillow and then push your face as far in to your pillows as you can and scream and cry. just throw a full on tantrum. it is an outlet for the anger.
Maybe go for a day out somewhere? x
Oh! I never thought of that, have felt like it lol. I will try that for sure. A tantrum would feel great sometimes. Thank you! Hugs xxx Day out is often not an option cause I can't drag myself around :( sigh xx
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