Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

If you know me or have read blogs by me you will understand that I know exactly what emotional abuse is all about.  Been there, done that, and didn't even understand what was being done to me.


Emotional abuse is possibly more destructive than physical abuse, but then again I guess it depends on the victim.   Emotional abuse takes a long, long time to recover from - if ever.  You need all your mental strength, massive support and a shedload of happy pills (if you are anything like me).

There are signs, symptoms, whatever you want to call them, to watch for, to help you understand whether you are being emotionally abused. There are also many avenues for getting help.  I am not going into that here, although I am sure you can find where to get help from your doctor, or even Googling mental health websites and asking for contact numbers.  Just remember, whatever the abuse you are suffering, you are not alone.  It's fine to turn to family for help, but often family don't want to know, for various reasons.  So a medical person is the obvious first port of call.   You can also call the Samaritans, or Lifeline - who will give you every help and support.

The stereotype abuser is a male, but it isn't always the case, as women are just as likely to be emotionally abusive.  It also doesn't matter whether you are married, living together, in a same sex relationship or even just going out together.  Whatever the case, it is totally unacceptable behaviour, which will only continue and sometimes escalate into physical abuse as well.

If your partner has done something physical to you, pushed you, hit you, thrown things at you, be aware that these are signs that the violence can escalate, and probably will.   Any partner with a nasty temper that they don't control, and who has done something like smashing things, punching the wall, fighting with outsiders - any violent reaction like this - might come to the point where they physically abuse you.

Are you being isolated from family and friends?
Abusive relationships are all about control and power over another.  If you are being prevented from seeing your friends and family, are being 'punished' for going out (example, your partner sulks or threatens, shouts at you or insults you), this is a controlling behaviour.   Your partner might be deliberately rude to friends who call on you, and/or say demeaning things about your friends and family.  You may go out in a group, but he/she will make the evening miserable by being rude or sarcastic.  And then you will be punished again when you get home, with the insults or threatening behaviour.

Does your partner make you feel afraid?
Isolation and fear are two of the very nasty tactics used by an abuser.  You feel afraid that you are going to be physically hurt, which keeps you in line.  The abuser can use many tactics to make you feel fear. Feeling fear around your partner is an extremely bad sign.

Does your partner blame everyone else, but never take responsibility for his/her own actions?
This is typical of the abusive personality, nothing is ever their fault, it is always the fault of someone else. The blame very often falls on you for things that don't go right, or the way the abuser wants them to go.  She loses her job but it is  the fault of the new supervisor, not her fault for being rude at work.  He is handed a default ticket for his car but it isn't his fault - it's the fault of the Police and their stupid rules, or your fault for not having the car fixed.

Is your partner jealous - of you, your friendships, your goals, career and the like?
Another very nasty trait is jealousy.  On a personal note here, my ex was jealous of his own daughter.  He wanted me to dance to his tune exclusively, and couldn't handle the fact that my attention was divided.  He was livid that I chose to work when we married, and I now see that this is because he had lost control over that part of my life.  He went into a rage when I passed my driving test, then sulked and wouldn't speak to me for a week.  Jealousy is indeed an evil creature.

Are you expected to wait on him/her hand and foot?
Abusers typically swan around thinking the world owes them, and acting as though they are a cut above everyone else, especially you.  The abuser will expect you to do everything, and will do nothing in return.

Does he/she manipulate you into doing what he/she wants?
The abuser is a master at manipulation, using sulks, threats to leave you, and other emotional punishments if you don't go along with her or his idea of how things should be.  If you do try to assert yourself, you will be made to feel guilty. 
Sometimes the abuser will act remorseful, and loving, but it won't be long before he or she is back to normal - as soon as he or she feels they have you back where you belong the cycle will start again.
 
Do you live your life being afraid of his/her hair-trigger temper?
The temper can erupt for any reason, and has you tip-toeing around, trying desperately to keep things calm and on an even keel.   God help you if his coffee is too cold.

Are you always making excuses for his/her behaviour?
He’s tired. He had a hard week. He’s under a lot of pressure. He’s only like that when he’s had too much to drink. Sure, these excuses may explain the rare social gaffe and could, in fact, be true. But if you’re regularly trying to explain away rude, violent or disrespectful behaviour, you could be emotionally abused. 
 
We put up a wall called denial when we are in a relationship, often not seeing or wanting to see what is in front of us, or what is right and wrong.  You should never have to excuse or explain away someone else's behaviour.
 
Does he or she make snide 'jokes' at your expense?
" Although boorish and rude, the occasional zinger isn’t an automatic ticket to the Abusers Hall of Fame. "
 
However, shooting you with poisonous remarks and then trivialising it " what's up? can't take a joke?" - this is NOT respect. It is more about emotional distancing, which can rapidly lead to abuse. 

 
Emotional abuse can become physical with very little notice. Just ask Aimee, 41, of San Francisco, who was in an abusive relationship for eight years – while working at a battered women’s shelter! It was so subtle, says Aimee (whose name was changed to protect her privacy). “It went from unhealthy to pathological in such tiny increments that I accepted every little increment completely.”
By the time it crossed over into physical abuse, “I couldn’t name it. I was in absolute denial,” she says.

My ex would say that I was 'common' or 'uneducated' and think absolutely nothing of the slap in the face it was to me.  He would also use lecturing behaviour to control me, i.e., how I should behave, what I should/should not say, what I should wear and the like.  It is all demeaning.  It is all abuse.

Does he/she control the money?
This is a zinger because it is the ultimate in controlling you - you have no access to your own money, or credit card.  He can do what he wants with it, and you get a meagre allowance, if any.  He has you where he wants you - which is dependent on him.

Does your partner 'get in your face' when you fight?
Every couple fights now and again, but if your partner follows you when you are trying to walk away, or gets really close to you when you are arguing, that is a sign that he or she is extremely frustrated, so frustrated that he or she could hit you in an eye blink.

Does he or she raise a hand or fist in anger?
If he or she manages to stop before you are hit, will they be able to control themselves as much next time it happens?

Has your partner ever become physical - even just the once?
If you have been treated roughly physically, this is abuse.  Don't just brush it away.  If you have been hit, punched, pinched, slapped, had your hair pulled - any physical rough treatment is abuse.

This is all domestic violence, and domestic violence escalates, as I have pointed out above.

“The woman who loses her life probably started with name-calling, a push, a shove, hair pulling or something like that.” 


Has your life been threatened?
My advice is to believe him or her, and leave. Right now.

Even if he’s never kept his word before, you don’t want to be there when he decides to follow through.
When a person is brash enough to make threats, we need to take it at face value. The reality is, if he said it, he probably meant it.
There are no statistics about how often threats translate into homicide, but the following situations increase the odds that an abused woman will be killed by her partner:

• He has a weapon and has threatened you with it before.
• He’s threatened your children.
• He’s unemployed.
• He’s forced you to have sex.
• He’s jealous and controls most of your daily activities.
• He says if he can’t have you, nobody can.
• He’s threatened or attempted suicide.
• You believe he could kill you.

How bad does it have to get before you say enough is enough? An abusive relationship saps your energy, strips away your dignity and can be physically dangerous to you and your family.

Screwdrivers And Tissues And Little Fuzzy Balls I Lose

Funny how things come into our lives and ease the way for us, isn't it?  Funny how many of these 'things' make us roar with frustration and swear like a pirate's parrot.

Tissues, take tissues - well you could take one if you could find the bloody thing.  Once upon a time we girls would be able to tuck our hankie into our knickers.   Not a good look for an elderly woman to be standing in the street rummaging in her underpants though.  Pockets are out, so where do we put the tissue?  I stuff mine under a bra strap, which is fine unless you are letting it all hang out, and free falling.  One place I am sure to find a tissue? In the washing machine.  Glued to every single item, in tiny pieces, inside and out, and guaranteed to hang in there for weeks.

Same with biros, when I come to think of it. The wash. Always in the wash.


I already did my blog about sticky tape - one of my everlasting trauma items.  How's about dear old cling film then?   My husband told me recently that he didn't know "how to work it".    I do understand dear, and sympathise.  That sodding stuff - thought I had it all sussed by holding the ends and letting the roll fall towards the kitchen bench?  hmm.  Only to find one end has stuck and is rolled around the tube 44 times, tearing each time I jerk the stuff.   Trying to dig it off the roll results only in a broken cardboard dispenser - which results in not being able to pull the cling off the roll.   That little metal cutter from hell is one of my bugbears.  Nasty little sucker it is.  Lying in wait cackling to itself, just ready to rip hell out of the unwary.  So I buy a catering size pack - after all it has a genuine sliding cutter - no jaws on this one.  Except you stick it to the cardboard dispenser, and someone managed to get cling stuck underneath - completely covering the sticky part.  aaaagh.  And cling clings.  Know what I mean?  Pull it off, perfect length, terrific girl, well done - try to wrap it around selected item.   Auuughgh.  Bloody stuff clings to itself, your arm, the kitchen bench, anywhere but the 'selected item'.   Now it has lost its capacity for cling, having bunched around itself like too-small knickers. Think I might use a plastic bag instead.

The common screwdriver is driving me screwy.  Where is it when you want it?  There isn't one in the junk drawer where it ought to be, the dog didn't pinch it (I checked).  It comes to light only after you have ruined one of your best knives, having snapped off the point trying to unscrew that stupid screw.   My little screwdriver is amazing bwaahaaa  - it has a handle and four different shafts with 2 sizes of head for slotted screws and those other pointy thingy screws.  Right?   So YOU try to get the shaft into the handle.  That's your challenge for this week.  Then once you have it in and find it is the wrong bloody size for the screw, try to get it out of the handle again. Now where are the pliers?

Oh!  You want to hear about my little fuzzy balls? Right!  Pack of twelve they come in, superb little washing machine helpers that are supposed to collect fluff, lost tissues (see above), dog hair and the like.  All very well and good.  Every time I empty the washing machine I have to count the bloody balls to make sure they are all there.  There is always one missing, I kid you not.  Shake every item, and shaking a wet doona/duvet cover is not easy.  I lost a ball for a week once.  It was down inside a pillow case. That was a very rude awakening, I can tell you.  Those little things are prickly.  Thought I had a massive beetle under my ear.   I can think of nicer things..........

My little fuzzy balls

I guess the moral of the story is to buy handkerchiefs, plastic bags, strong steak knives, and fabric softener.  Goodbye trauma, hello serenity.

You Named Your Kid WHAT???????

Not so long ago there weren't that many first or Christian names going around, so there were millions of people sharing the same names.  For a little example, Mary, Edward, Elizabeth and the like.  Once people started to move around the globe a bit more they obviously intermingled with others from different countries and cultures - and hey!  We had new first names for our children.  To the absolute delight of people (like me) who have Genealogy as their abiding passion.

There have always been strange names registered for kids, and often it was down to something simple, like the accent of the person registering the baby - or the fact that the registrar couldn't spell too well - or the fact that it was quite a while before spelling of names was actually regularised!   In the past years though, some decidedly weird names have been cropping up, and not only those chosen by the 'pop stars'  and 'film stars'  of the world.   David Duchovny and Tea Leoni called their boy Kyd. Sometimes I wonder if the ones who chose the names actually thought about what will happen to their offspring once they start school.    Perhaps nobody will notice, and they won't get teased and tormented - because there are so many peculiar names out there!

One of my most UNfavourites was chosen by someone in USA - she decided that her daughter would be called CATATONIA.  Because it sounded peaceful?  Um.  I guess if you are catatonic you really are peaceful.  Probably so much so that once you decide to rejoin the world they stuff you into a straight-jacket.   Another little gem is CALLIOPE.  The parents thought it sounded pretty.  Anyone who has ever heard a calliope would wonder at their choice!

I am thinking of all the really sad names for poor kids, like Satchel and Apple etc.  What is it with these parents?  Do they get so stumped for a nice name that they just name the kid after the first object they see?  Oh look darling!  Let's call him Burst Condom!

"What did you call her?" gushes the neighbour "Mouldy Plum" replies mother proudly! Whaaat?  Well it was her craving for plums, you see.  And all she could find in the fruit bowl was a mouldy one...

There has always been a fashion for naming children after cities and towns - a guy I met was named after the city he was conceived in.  That's ok if you live in Sydney or Darwin. What happens if mum and dad bounced on the mattress in Wagga Wagga or Woy Woy, Bong Bong or Humpybong (yep! it is an actual suburb in Brisbane).  Even Mt. Isa.  You would have to spell it in full surely?  Mount Isa Jones is the kid's name?  Holy moly!

The ones that confuse me are the names where you can't tell if you are writing to a male or a female.  Neat example is Ari.  You write your nice letter, starting with the salutation 'Dear Sir', only to be mortified to find that Ari is a 'Dear Madam'.....ooops! It isn't a bad name, actually I rather like it!  Just confusing.  Once the name Lesley was for a girl, and Leslie was for a boy.  Now I am seeing Leslie used for girls also.  Another little twist!

Something I really get wondering about is when parents have to fiddle with the spelling of a name.  His name is Willyum.  Now either you have no education, or you are just trying too damned hard! Or they will add extra vowels into a name, just to be 'different' (read confusing) - and to make it extra hard for the kid to spell their own name.  Daayssee? That one made me go crosseyed!

The thing with the kid's initials is often overlooked as well - try Ellie Nora Veronica Young.   ENVY?  Really? How wonderful!  It is on a par with a name I saw in a really old Registration - Thomas Thomas Thomas.  I am not sure if the Registrar was deaf and the mum was yelling the name repeatedly, or if they really named their kid Thomas times three!   Poor Thomas.
Then there is the unexpectedly hilarious name.  A brilliant example is John Thomas whatever.  In our part of the world your penis is your 'john thomas'..... There must be many of these gems out there, all inadvertent, of course!

Ah well, what's in a name? Quite a lot I guess!  It is amusing to note that a couple will name their child with a strange or unusual name, so that their child's name will be different.  Only to find that dozens of other parents like the name and use it for their child as well!   Sadly, some American kids have been given bizarre names, such as 'Xerox' or 'Espn'.   Girls are saddled with such gems as 'Celica' 'Infiniti' or boys lumbered with names like 'Canon' (yep, after the camera) or 'Del Monte' (after the food company, of all things).

Hey! I named my kid after the Tequila worm!

Would you name your baby L'Oreal or Chevrolet? Other poor little girls have been named 'Unique', 'Lexus', 'Reality', 'Sparkle'.  Boys?  They came in for their fair share as well, with 'Timberland', 'Sincere', 'Gladiator', and other equally ridiculous names.
Just to leave you with some thoughts - an extract from a comment I found on the www, from a school worker:


"Courvoissiertequila (I say shame they can't spell)
Bluie                         (ditto)
Rollseroyce               (yet again!)
R'reeyuannhaa
Quan'tayjhia'nierre
Rocker
Starlight
Remy Martin (no relation to courvoissier or tequila.)
Ashole (pronounced ashley, but odds are that kid is going to have some serious bullying issues.)
De'vil (pronounced Deville, but who does that to their kid?? his brother's name is Damien.)
Cadillac
aLexus (would be fine if spelled alexis, but noooo...)
.....and those are just the ones i remember off the top of my head.
All in all i just wish people would stop naming their kids over things they can't afford and what they were drinking when they got knocked up. celebrity kids are one thing- they're just hollywood brats who will never have to work for a living- but real-world kids are another. What job do people think their kid is going to get with a name that needs two apostrophes just to make sense? Is Dr. Courvoissier going to sound safe? President Rollseroyce? Attorney Quan'tayjhia'nierre? Principal R'reeyuanna? it's f*****g ridiculous."


and:

"..her name was La-a, pronounced "Ladasha." Needless to say, we all wanted to slap her parents. "

There's a difference between unusual and downright horrible!
 

Whoever Wrote This Needs Kicking

Many a tear has to fall
But it's all in the game


erm, I don't like to tell you this, but I loathe people who play games.......

All in the wonderful game
That we know as love 

Mate, you weren't listening, were you?  STOP playing games ok?

You had words with him
And your future's looking dim

Probably only because we have been spoon-fed on this sort of pap and crap.  We are allowed to have a difference of opinion, are we not?

But these things your heart can rise above

Heart? Eh?  Rise above?  erm.  Gee whiz dimwit, opinions come from some other place than the heart. And why in hell should it be the FEMALE WHO HAS TO RISE ABOVE????  EH?  TELL ME THAT?

Once in a while he won't call
But it's all in the game

Oh great, just perfect.  Now the shit has decided he won't phone, because that will show YOU who is boss, won't it?

Soon he'll be there by your side
With a small bouquet

OI! Buster, we had a damned argument and you bring a SMALL bouquet?  You bloody cheapskate.

And he'll kiss your lips
And caress your fingertips
And your heart will fly away

Not on my watch he won't.  Small bouquet indeed.  I want grovelling and crawling thank you very much.  At the least a damned good abject apology would get him quarter of the way there.

You had words with him
And your future's looking dim
But these things your heart can rise above
Once in a while he won't call
But it's all in the game
Soon he'll be there by your side
With a small bouquet
And he'll kiss your lips
And caress your fingertips
And your heart will fly away

Yes. Well.  We just went into all that, didn't we?  And to think I used to like the song.  Shows you the difference between a child and a woman doesn't it? hmmm.  

Oh! I'm Going To Jamaica!

So many things make me laugh, and this was probably the funniest I have read for many a month. Apparently the Jamaican men aren't getting enough, you know?  I know this news is old (2009) but it really tickled my funny bone.

They are doing what is, I think, misnamed as an "erotic dance" - called "daggering".  From this - and really, it is just good old dry humping (snigger) - there has been a spate of......wait for it...........fractured penises.  Now why that should make me fold up laughing I really have no idea, except for the mental image I get of some guy with a splint on his weenie. Then again, maybe he only needed a Bandaid...

The silly fools do this "daggering" (talk about blow your own trumpet) on the dance floor, of all places, and have taken it into the bedroom, with less than desirable consequences.  If the guy is getting a fracture, what in hell is going on with the women?  No mention of them, typical.

This ridiculous 'dance' is becoming so popular that the Jamaican government have now stepped in, (laugher offstage) to ban songs and videos with blatantly sexual content.

The Jamaican Broadcasting Commission enforced the ban in February 2009.

I guess they are athletic, if nothing else!

The quotes that made me totally lose it?

The community is divided over the dance, with singers up in arms over the ban, saying it stifles their right to free speech, but others welcome the ban.

“Daggering is a dance that makes you unleash the beast! If you ain’t know what I mean think about every sex position and put it in a dance,” commenter Driva said of the dance.

Wet Wet Wet

And mosquitos by the score.  I do hate it when you splat one and blood goes everywhere.....eeew.  So gross it makes me feel sick.  Yuk, urg, gak.

Yuk, Fence post with spiders etc. trying to stay dry

Whine, whine, rant and rave!

Our city is full of small floods, just one year on from the massive inundation we had, and the questions arise yet again - what is our stupid State Government and Council doing to alleviate flooding?  Nada, nothing, zero.  Seems to me that having a good old dig of a lot of the storm water drains and little creeks would go a looong way towards getting the runoff water away so that people don't have flooded houses? One street in our suburb goes under every single time there is high rainfall - now, f'rinstance.  The houses are opposite the creek.  The creek is notorious for flooding at the best of times.

Strikes me that it is lack of foresight and planning at the bottom of all this.  The State have been sooo happy to embrace all the new housing estates (of which there are literally hundreds) but have not given the slightest thought to what happens to the rainwater once we have mega loads of new buildings. Even the regulations about guttering and drains leave a lot to be desired.  Why, oh why, do the builders put these piddling little gutters on our houses?  They are just too small to cope with the downpour - and it isn't as though nobody knew!  Gee whiz, we are so close to sub-tropical it isn't funny, so the rain we get during Summer is going to be heavy - obviously!  We all seem to have weency guttering which starts to overflow and flood after the first 10 minutes of a regular downpour.  Where is the sense in that?   Let's have some brains about this, builders, and planners too - larger capacity for the gutters and downpipes, twice to three times the size for the storm water drains as well? 

The water all ends up in the bay anyway, let's get it there faster, and help ease some of the flooding people are experiencing - some have had their houses go under 4 times in 5 years - I bet you that if it was the Mayor's house something would be done in a huge hurry?

The Councils all have their hands out for the extra dollars from new housing and industrial areas - so maybe some of the new dollars should be spent helping householders!  Not bloody likely I guess.  There are a lot of fingers being pointed at the ones who take care of the dams and the overflow - why not look in your own back yard as well?

My back yard?  As usual we have runoff from the whole street above us - which is blocked from running anywhere else because of how our neighbour has developed his land.  Makes me want to scream and cry and rant really.   We have a home sewerage treatment plant - and we had a  dumb plumber who dug right down to install it.  Consequence of that?  A big dip which instantly fills with water.  We had a duck happily swimming around in it a few days ago. Which isn't at all unusual in the wet. 

Everything squelches, everything stinks of mud.  The grass is so wet you can't mow, and even if you could you would get bogged instantly. Sigh.  And there is more on the way.  I am not a fan of the wet!

Everything inside is damp, hang on..... no it's ok, just checked to see if I had mouldy armpits!

Brisbane City

  
Outside there is a monster concert of frogs and toads, crickets and cicadas - what they have to be happy about I will never know.  When you walk outside the noise is deafening! I am sure they just think it is great - but at the same time we seem to play host to many of their offspring who spring off and come inside.  Try chasing a common froglet around at 1.30a.m.  Those little skunks can jump six feet or more!  Just when you think you have him - squirt! Off he goes out of the gap between your fingers.  AFTER he has piddled on your hand, mind. Swine.

Ssssh - it isn't raining at this minute - don't say anything will you? sssssh ......