I Have Been Given An Award!

Wow!  I am overcome, and happy and embarrassed and proud as well.

A fellow blogger, who writes of her immense struggle with not just depression but also withdrawal from Prozac, has given me the Liebster Award.   You can find her amazing, inspirational blog at Prozac Withdrawal.  I thank her so much!

Well digging around I find that the word liebster is German, and means 'dearest' or similar!  How nice is that!   The idea is for us to pass this award on, to help bring attention to our new, or fairly new blogs - usually ones with not many followers.  I can relate to that!

There are a few simple rules, as I understand it, which are:

• Thank the person that nominated you on your blog and link back to them.

• Nominate up to five other blogs for the award.

• Let them know via a comment on their blog.

• Post the award on your blog.  

Aha! Now let the fun begin!  I see I have fulfilled rule one.  Now to find five other blogs for the award!  

Not in any order are my choices, most of which are, at least in part, about depression and the battle of the black dog:

Dance Without Sleeping - Because, just because!

Flossing the Cat - How could anyone resist? 

Love in the Nest - Amazing blog, amazing blogger

Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron - Gentle, inspirational lady

Dribbling Pensioner  - Funny and outrageous!

When Stress Happens

Stress is important and natural, and makes positive contribution to our normal performance, at work or at home.  There is a point, however, where we can feel that we are stressed excessively - this is something we need to be on the alert for, as excessive stress has many ill effects.  

Sometimes we actually don't have enough stress, as strange as that may sound.  This is probably as bad as too much, and will have the same negative effects on our health, both physical and mental.

So what do we do to relieve stress?  There are some neat ways to get that awful feeling out of our bodies, and even though it may take a little planning sometimes, and a little effort on our part, it is well worth digging deep and finding the resources within us to take action - and turn negative into positive.

To simplify, I will list in bullet points:

• Slow, deep breathing.  Concentrate on your breathing only.  Do this for perhaps ten to 15 times
• Distract your thoughts - perhaps by counting backwards, or using a relaxation technique you have (listening to classical music, perhaps)
• Take a break.  Go outside, go for a walk.  Take time for yourself, and enjoy what is around you.
• Exercise!  A good practice is to make a time each day to do some  exercise, and set that time aside just for yourself.  It doesn't have to be strenuous, just get the blood flowing and energise the body.
• Complete relaxation through meditation, listening to music, laughter, singing, anything that works for you.
• Be positive.  When you start thinking negative thoughts - sweep them into the cupboard!   You are the one who knows what you are thinking - and it is ONLY a thought, which you can change!  Praise yourself for your achievements this day.
• Talk with someone you trust about how you feel.  Often just letting the feelings out and letting them go will be enough to reduce that stress.
• Manage your time - there are only so many hours in a day, don't try and find more!
• Prioritise!  Make a little list even, of the most important things to do, and do them one by one.  Nobody can do everything at once.
• Eat well, give your body nutritious food and you will gain energy and be able to heal faster. 
• Avoid negative people.  Speaks for itself.
• Get enough rest.  Get enough sleep.  If you are tired, trying to tackle problems will be twice as difficult.
• Plan!  Get some order into your life, make plans about what you wish to do and when.  If you feel disorganised you will feel stressed.

Hopefully this will be of some help to you - the main thing to remember is that there is only one of you, and you cannot be 'everything to everyone'.  The most important person in your household is YOU!

My Experience With Post Natal Depression

Strangely, it is always difficult to really open up about the exact symptoms I had - to be honest about the fact that I was sure I was going rapidly insane.  It is fortunate that I had been seeing the most wonderful G.P. for years, and he therefore knew much of my background and health issues.  Among those issues was ongoing clinical depression.
  
The first episode of major depression I suffered at age 18 or 19, and the 'cure' as recommended by the doctor was a holiday.  So I went home for a week, where I was shoved out into the vegetable patch to weed and plant, as my mother said "there is no such thing as nerves"............  I guess it did make me feel a lot better though, strangely!

Hum, I went off at a tangent for a bit, sorry.  Back to the PND.  My pregnancy went fine, I was happy, no depression rearing its ugly head at all.  This changed most abruptly once my daughter was born.  This was March 1977.  When she was only a day or so old I had what they termed "baby blues" (ha flipping ha) and could do nothing but cry.  All the nurses said "oh it will go in a couple of days, it's nothing".

Not so.  Once home with my tiny baby I struggled in every way.  I was alone after the first few days, and trying to breastfeed was a nightmare.  An absolute nightmare.  I have recently found out that because she was so small I should never have been encouraged to breastfeed - tiny babies don't have the strength or stamina to 'latch on'  and to stay there.  My little girl would fiddle and fart about and fall asleep (exhausted, but I had no idea at the time).  Ten to fifteen minutes later she would be screaming and screaming again.  I kept waiting for her real mother to come and get her........it all felt so unreal.

So it started, and so it continued - and looking back I see that it all escalated because of lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of help.   Extreme fatigue is no help when you are a depressive.  Sleep deprivation is bad at the best of times!   While this was going on, the screaming baby, the lack of sleep, lack of food etc., my whole body was going out of whack in a huge hurry.   I was anxious, weepy, jumpy, angry all the time.  It seemed to get worse by the day, and perhaps it did.  What little sleep I managed to get was full of horrific 
nightmares. 

At the slightest provocation I would fly into an insane rage, which scared the hell out of me. I was miserable, had no energy, no enthusiasm, just negative me all the time.  It was a complete struggle to care for myself at all.  Even when I got the baby sorted out and onto bottles - whereupon she became a joy to be with - I was out of control.   I remember having to change her at one stage, and throwing her onto the bed in my rage.   Then I had to go out of the room, feeling total horror at what I had become, and shut the door so that there was a physical barrier between us.   I have rarely been so afraid in my life.

With no warning I would have awful headaches, I got sinusitis for no reason.  I was plagued with all sorts of niggling things like back ache.  My mood was just so black it was impossible to pull myself out of it.  Just getting out of bed in the morning was a major chore, and as for showering or dressing - no way.  I seem to recall that at one stage I stayed in my nightie for something like 5 days.  I cared for my baby, but not for myself.   It seemed there was nothing in the world to care about, everything was hopeless, I felt totally helpless, in absolute despair all of the time.  Every small thing was such an effort.

If I tried to eat it made me feel ill.  So I quit eating.  There didn't seem to be anything that could make me smile, let alone laugh.   Being on my own didn't help in the slightest, as I had nobody to say "get your butt to the doctor girl, you are really down".   Everything made me cry.

The kicker came when my mother and aunt came to visit (I was living in England, they flew over from Australia).   At one point in the first couple of days of their holiday my mum said to me "you used to be always laughing and singing, but now you don't seem to even smile, let alone be happy?"   My reply?  "what's there to be happy about?"..........   Her remark had the effect on me of stopping me in my tracks, and my reply shocked me!    After taking my courage and screwing it right down, I made an appointment with my G.P.

It was something of a shock when my doctor told me he had been expecting this!  How I wish he had thought to warn me beforehand!  The first thing he did was get me to make a daily chart of how I was feeling, morning, afternoon, night.  He put me on fluid tablets in the interim.  His thought was to prove that most of the depression was hormone related.  After doing my chart for a fortnight, I trotted back to him - to have him say 'aha!'   He then prescribed a hormone replacement, together with the fluid tablets.  I was to take the hormone replacement for 3 weeks, and the fluid tablets then for 3 days.   My chart was to continue for at least another month or two, and it proved beyond a doubt that I had huge hormonal problems.

After a couple or three months on the tablets it was as if I had been reborn!  I was to be on them for a very long time, but that is another story altogether. I have always been so grateful for having a kind, understanding G.P., who really was my saviour more than once.

The main lesson I learned from the experience was to seek help.  Always ask for help, there is a reason why we have this depression, and it is treatable.  There are many, many women who go through it, and it seems a pity that there are also still many who try to go it alone.  There is no stigma, it is just a fact of life that PND exists - and it IS treatable!

I Think I'm A Hard Bitch

Happens most of us believe in 'karma' and that if it goes around it comes around.  I have always been a firm believer - and the other little thing I believe is that you should 'be careful what you wish for'... you just might get it.

Why am I thinking like this?  Weeelll... had a phone call from my beloved Aunt, who has just turned 83 (to her utter disgust).  She told me that my cousin (her youngest son) phoned my sister on Christmas Day.  And my sister was alone.  Maybe I am not as hard as I would wish, as my heart hurt when she told me this.

Why was she alone?  Oh, it is such a long story. To cut it short, she is a very jealous person, and so is my niece.  My niece is also a compulsive liar, vindictive to the nth degree, vicious and extremely aggressive. One tiny tiny example of her personality is the day she sat at the table with me and her mum. I was looking at her eyebrows and thinking what a beautiful shape they were.  Was wishing mine would be like that.  I asked her "do you pluck your eyebrows, Jo?".  She snarled (yep, snarled) at me "yes, I DO, you got a problem with THAT?".   Oh wow, such a shock to be spoken to like that.  I just replied quietly, "no, I was just thinking what a beautiful shape they were".   My sister said "see, Jo?".........  I didn't have the heart to ask what she meant.

I digress, as usual.  Back to the plot.  My niece has always pushed herself between my sister and me, and between my mum and me.  She has tried her level best to do the same with mum and my aunt.  She loathes and detests me now because when my sister was in hospital fighting for her life because of brain aneurysms and a stroke, my lovely niece was stealing every cent from her.   We all visited the hospital every single day, except for Jo.  Her mum had been in rehab for three months before Jo bothered to visit her.  She also stole from our mentally handicapped foster brother's bank account. 

I put a stop to her.  So I am persona crap and have been for years.  Don't ask me (because I don't know) what line of bull she fed my sister - but my sister suddenly became my number one enemy.  We had always been reasonably close until this happened.
Jo wished us out of their lives from the first, simply through jealousy.  She might have to share her grandparents and her mother - and she wasn't prepared to do this at all.   Since my sister's illness she has been the same way.  My sister can also be very vicious, and after she came home from hospital that's all she has been towards me, my husband and daughter.  I can't handle the vileness, so I keep away.

Every time I saw her she was so horrible to me that I ended in tears.  Because she does have some brain damage from the stroke I can't bring myself to respond, to defend myself, or even to ask why.

There is no way I will put myself in front of her again to be a victim.  After mum died the two of them lied and lied to me about everything.  They are such lousy liars that they trip themselves up.  What incenses me is that they hold me in such contempt as to think I won't see through their lies.

So my sister has (as was to be expected) been abandoned by her only child.  She thinks the sun shines out of Jo, and can't or won't remember that just before the operation she told me "you can't believe a word that comes out of Jo's mouth", and that she had kicked Jo out of the house (she was 18). Now my sister believes Jo is the answer to all the world's problems.  Sadly, Jo holds her mother in contempt and has always done so.

They both now have what they wished for, sadly for them.  We are out of their lives.  The reason for my sister being alone on Christmas Day?  My niece had another mental breakdown.  Hmmm, yeah.  Right.  Sure thing.  Liar liar pants on fire. So even if she did, where was her partner?  Why couldn't he have come and got my sister and taken her to their place to be with her 3 grandchildren?  Hmmmm?   The lies keep coming.  And where is the love?

Am I wrong to keep away?  It is so hard to be with her and be spoken to as though I am a piece of dog poop on the sole of her shoe.  It just feels to me that my sister died on that operating table, and this 'thing' that has her body is something I can't relate to, believe, or put myself in the way of, and that I have no defences.

The Bug in the Box

It's all about perception.  Everything is as we perceive it to be.  I am sticking out my neck and probably will have my head cut off for this blog, but I am willing!  My stand on all of life is that it is about what we see, and mostly about what we WANT to see.   Even about our own attitudes it boils down to perception.

What do you perceive?

If you see yourself as weak, you will be - you will go out of your way to BE weak - even if it is subconsciously, you will manage to be weak if you perceive of yourself as weak!   Victims of bullies are always people who see themselves as weak and ineffectual.  And vice versa.   As usual we are our greatest enemies. 

Have you ever got out of bed and felt a bit down, and then told yourself you KNOW that this will be a dreadful day?   What happened?  Yep!  It was a DREADFUL day - and most of it was simply because you had decided it would be.  So everything that happened that day became a trial, or a nuisance, a disaster, whatever!  If, on the other hand, you had felt a bit down and said to yourself "I will be great once I have my cuppa!" - your day would have been so totally different.  

I have seen this type of perception explained as a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and couldn't agree more.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I am so guilty of this myself, and can't think of one person I know who isn't.   My blog has been idle for a while because I saw myself as too ill, or too tired or some other feeble excuse not to talk to you.  Once I gave myself a hard mental shake, it was just so easy!  As it is all too easy to fall into my own trap - and if that happens I become an invalid overnight.  I become INVALID.

It takes enormous mental effort to be aware (cognisant) of our thoughts (perceptions) and to change them.  You need to work hard to overcome a lot of your current mindset.  I have read a recent blog by a little friend who has depression.  She lost her tablets, and instantly fell into a state where whe felt she couldn't function without them.  So she retreated virtually to childhood - it was easier!  She will most likely hate me for this, as it is not going to be a hug, but a bit brutal.

She needed to change her perceptions immediately she lost the tablets.  Big deep breath.  Slow down.  Methodically look for the pills.  O.K. you suffer if you don't have them, but you made yourself suffer worse by not taking yourself by the scruff of the neck, giving yourself a good shake, and asking "what the hell do I think I am doing here?".  A negative attitude breeds more negativity yeah?  I am not a psychologist, have only learned through bitter experience, but I do understand that once you let yourself wallow you are damned well doomed. 

Well?  Are the stairs going down or up? lol

It is so easy, and human, to feel sorry for yourself.  And it actually makes your illness ten times worse.  Your mind can affect your health, to put it simply.  You can see that at work, just think about when you "feel sick"  -  if you feel a bit nauseous and concentrate on that feeling, you end up being horrendously sick, head down the toilet, moaning and sweating.   You can actually take the feeling away by concentrating on other things, deep breathing and refusing to think about the nausea.   I have done it!  It works!  My daughter has done it also, with a bit of coaching.

One brilliant illustration of changing the way your mind works is to use singing!   I maintain that if you smile on the outside, your inside simply ends up following along, and you feel happy!   If you start to think negative thoughts, be aware of what you are thinking.  It is so difficult to learn how to turn the thoughts off, so use an aid that works wonders - put on your favourite music and sing!  Loudly as you want to, the louder the better!   And after a while you can take note of how you feel.   Guarantee you that you will be 100% better. 

I will probably put more on my blog about changing your thoughts - in fact it isn't such a bad idea to break this down into parts.  First part is you gotta sing honey!  SING!  And the "Bug in the Box"?   My perception.   I had a box of arnica cream for the bruising on my grossly swollen feet.  I picked up the box and could feel something bumping around inside it.   I immediately thought there must be a beetle or a cockroach or something in the box.  I held it to my ear and could HEAR it bumping and trying to get out.  I could "see" the bug in my mind, and went into a mini freakout.   So I asked my husband if he could get the tube out for me, as if it was one of those brown beetles I would flip, and if it was a cockroach then I am gone like a bullet. He held the box, nothing.  He listened to the box, nothing.  He went to open it, and by this time I have thoroughly convinced myself that something will come blasting out - so I was about six feet away from him.   He reached in and pulled out the tube of cream.   NOTHING was in the box, no bug, just an empty box.

The noise?  The movement?  He explained to me that I was shaking badly and it would have moved the tube and made it bump around.  I hadn't realised I was shaking, and my perception was that there must have been a creepy crawlie in there.   Mind over matter.  It's all about perception!

Part Two - Way Down In The Dumps - Are You Depressed?

I guess most of us have felt down in the dumps or ‘blue’ from time to time. However, anxiety and depression are far more than just feeling down in the dumps.  They are serious diseases, which according to the www.mentalhealth.org.uk, present the following statistics:  

1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year

• Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain

• Women are more likely to have been treated for a mental health problem than men

• About 10% of children have a mental health problem at any one time

• Depression affects 1 in 5 older people

• Suicide rates show that British men are three times as likely to die by suicide than British women

• Self-harm statistics for the UK show one of the highest rates in Europe: 400 per 100,000 population

• Only 1 in 10 prisoners has no mental disorder

Even in spite of these statistics, anxiety and depression are often underdiagnosed and undertreated.  How would you recognize serious depression in yourself or a loved one? There are signs to watch for, and the following are some of them.

A traumatic life event like a death in the family or divorce, even marriage, having a baby, or moving house, can trigger symptoms.  For some, these symptoms are immediate and drastic.  For others, depression shows slowly, in subtle ways that are harder for friends to notice, and which are sometimes even harder to diagnose. Doctors have a set list of specific symptoms.  Someone meets the clinical requirements of a major depressive episode if they experience five of those symptoms during a period of two weeks. 

If you read through the symptoms and know someone who has shown signs of depression,   the first move is to see a doctor or qualified therapist for an official diagnosis. Most importantly, if you're personally having thoughts about harming yourself or others, please seek immediate help from a medical professional.

Too many people casually use the word “depressed.” Whether used to describe yourself, or someone you know, it’s an easy way to explain someone’s mood, attitude or behavior. But depression is a serious condition with serious consequences, one with clinical standards for diagnosis and real treatment options. To understand depression and how it affects the mind and body, you need to know the warning signs.

• Appetite - a reduced appetite is a common symptom of depression, but so is an increased one. Wild swings in hunger, and being consistently hungrier or less hungry than normal can all be signals of major depression. A change in appetite may be difficult to notice; instead you may notice that you’ve gained or lost weight. If your weight has changed significantly, talk to your doctor.
  

• Lethargy.  This isn’t just a case of “I can’t be bothered”.  It is an overall feeling of low energy levels, including slowed thinking and even slowed down movement. Feeling sluggish is an early warning sign, and prolonged physical and mental slowness are both clues that the body gives when depression is setting in.
  

• When our body slows down, the effects of this show in the brain’s processes too.  Mental slowdown includes an inability to focus, especially on problems or topics that used to be easy. As depression sets in, people tend to become indecisive and have trouble concentrating on simple tasks. Tasks that were once quick and easy become difficult and frustrating

• Loss of interest in activities and topics that you used to enjoy is a classic symptom of depression. From time to time it is normal to wake up tired and without motivation. But dropping things you used to enjoy, skipping exercise, clubs, work or classes on a consistent, regular basis could indicate depression. Loss of interest can apply to people as well as activities. When facing depression, people withdraw and turn friends and family members away. Though it may be the most important time to draw on a support system, a bout with depression usually causes people to isolate themselves and try to deal with the condition alone. That usually makes things even worse.
  

• Change in sleeping patterns.  Most people aren’t getting enough sleep as a rule, so working out if you are getting too much or too little sleep may be difficult. True insomnia is more than just a night or two of tossing and turning:  those who are depressed spend weeks battling fatigue and low-quality sleep. A sudden increase in sleep or desire to sleep all the time or sleep instead of participating in fun activities is a major tip-off that depression is setting in, too.

• Irritability is another warning sign of depression. Especially in typically pleasant people, sudden mood swings aren’t just a result of hormones or “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” — they’re alerts. The tendencies to become agitated with little or minimal provocation, or to become irritable for no reason, are both tied closely to clinical depression.

• Being sad may sound like an obvious sign of depression, but this level of sadness goes beyond the passing feelings that may come throughout the day. In major depression, sadness is a pervasive feeling. It’s extreme, almost inescapable and comes with little explanation. Unprompted crying spells are a key warning of major depression.
  

• Along with extreme sadness can come feelings of worthlessness and helplessness. Depression can cause people to lose hope and even feel that the value of their own life has diminished or disappeared. Things seem unimportant. Those who are depressed sometimes feel as if the whole world has lost meaning and find it impossible to control all of the negativity surrounding them, feeling unjustified guilt over uncontrollable issues, from global issues like war and poverty to personal troubles like family issues or being sick.
  

The feeling that life isn’t worth living is just a step away from suicidal tendencies, a warning sign that requires immediate action. Even the closest friends or siblings may not notice that someone is having frequent thoughts of suicide. If you’re experiencing these feelings, immediately contact someone you trust, like a friend, relative, doctor, therapist or other mental healthcare clinician, adviser, or a religious or spiritual leader. If you don’t feel comfortable with those resources, or they aren’t responding to your needs, reach out for the help of a hotline, for example Lifeline.  There are many online resources for help with these feelings.  Where someone with depression reaches the point of suicidal tendencies, there are other signs to look for. Those with depression will often turn to risky behavior. Though it may not be a pursuit of death, turning to reckless activities, from dangerous stunts to drunk or impaired driving, recklessness is an important sign to look out for.

• Substance abuse. When you’re feeling down, do you find yourself reaching for a glass of wine, a bottle of beer or even a shot of vodka for a “pick-me-up?”  A study made by the Christchurch School of Medicine and Health Sciences, New Zealand, in 2009, suggests that problems with alcohol abuse lead to increased major depression - as opposed to major depression leading to alcohol abuse. However, it is common behavior for those who are battling depression to turn to alcohol as a form of self-medication to numb their pain. Because of its association with depression, alcohol abuse is a definite warning sign that depression might not be far behind.
  

• Loss of libido is usually associated with some physical or mental change. It goes along with a loss of interest in general social contact as a very common sign of depression. Clinical depression is so extreme as to virtually eliminate an individual’s pursuit of any kind of joy or pleasure, including physical contact and sex.

Though depression may seem like it all takes place in the head, it can be a full-body condition. Partly because people with depression aren’t getting the right amount of sleep or a balanced, nutritious diet, physical pain can set in. Headaches are the most common pain depression symptom, though back pain and aching joints and muscles are also possible. Even stomach and digestive problems can arise and be related to depression.  Conversely, chronic pain leads to major depression more often than not.

From pain to sleep disorders, people with depression have plenty of justifiable reasons to take strong prescription drugs. Unfortunately, they also have a tendency to abuse these drugs. Combine the inclination toward reckless behavior, physical pain and the need to escape, and the temptation to abuse prescription drugs is often just too great. Prescription drug abuse is even more frightening because of the potential risk for increasing the tendency towards suicide. Also, some prescription drugs have a risk of depression as a side effect, even when taken in the proper dose. If you think someone may be abusing prescription drugs or if you think your medication may be affecting your mood, call a doctor.

Not everyone knows that depression is a clinical condition with guidelines for diagnosis, so if you recognize these warning signs in yourself or someone you know, address the issues and seek medical help. Very often the biggest challenge is accepting the problem. In talking with a doctor, you’ll learn the various treatment methods, ranging from prescription pills to counselling, and figure out which treatment, or combination of treatments, works best for you.

While there is no sure way to prevent depression, there are things you can do to help you through tough days and keep your depression from worsening. Working to control your stress and anxiety levels, maintaining strong relationships with supportive friends and family and treatment at the earliest sign of problem can help. Also, maintaining treatment long-term and routine therapy may help in preventing a relapse.

Way Down In The Dumps - Are You Depressed?

I have suffered from "Atypical Depression" since I was in my teens, and way back then there was not much in the way of help for the disease apart from drugs like Valium.  As understanding of the human brain and its processes has progressed, so too have the treatment options for depression, as has recognition that it is a disease like any other.  As such, we have no control over it.  Many depressives feel immense guilt for being ill, which is misplaced to say the least.  As my dear doctor explained to me years ago "If you contracted measles, would you feel guilty?" - depression is out of our control in the same way as catching a cold, or the measles. 

The current findings are that medication together with counselling is usually the  best way of treating this awful illness.  I was told that if you suffer from one major depressive episode you are usually given some form of anti-depressant for a period of approximately three months.  Two major episodes - six months.  Three or more major episodes and you are on medication for life.  My medication is for life.

There has been a fairly recent breakthrough in genetics as well.  Although for years it was known that there is a genetic link to depression, scientists have now isolated the gene responsible.  In my own family we can trace the depression through our family history for many generations.  There are suicides in every generation, up to the present day.  Family members living in USA and New Zealand have also confirmed that depression continued down their branch of the family.  So with us it is a little like facing a loaded gun!

I do remember my mother telling me of a cousin who had, I think, eight children.  After each birth she was committed to a mental institution.  How dreadfully sad, how awful, when it is obvious to us now that she was suffering from Post Natal Depression - so very common.  So very treatable nowadays.

The purpose of this blog is one of reassurance primarily.

If you believe you have depression - get help!  There is no stigma attached to depression, unlike in the past.   It is treatable, the medication prescribed is not addictive - as was Valium and the like.  And the doctor understands what is happening with you.  You may have to try several different medications before you and the doctor find one that is suitable for you - but there are many options and many anti-depressants can be used in combination with each other.  

For the signs and symptoms, please read my next blog.